I feel like I’ve been having more ‘bad days’ than good ones, lately. Days when it’s almost impossible to get out of bed, and just the thought of making it to class and having to talk to people gives me nightmares, and I sink deeper and deeper into my covers; wishing that the day just ends.
It’s not like I don’t want to go to class, or hang out with my friends, because I do. It just gets physically torturous to get out of bed, put on my shoes and leave the comfort and solitude that is my room. Don’t we all have those days sometimes? When your chest feels heavy and the outside air seems to suffocate you. When nothing anyone does seems to make you happy, and almost all your smiles are forced, just so no one notices that something’s wrong. But something is wrong, and you want to reach out to someone, don’t you? Because I do. I want to scream and shout and cry, all at the same time. But most of all, I want to sleep. Not because I’m tired or unwell, but because sleeping is the least strenuous thing I can do, and time just seems to pass by.
The worst thing about college is the fact that no one cares about anyone else. They’re not supposed to, everyone’s dealing with their own issues, and no one has time to bother. Even your roommates won’t notice that you’ve been going to sleep at 10 every day and still not making it to your 8 a.m. class the next morning. No one notices that you’re skipping meals, or spending way too much time sitting up in bed, trying to convince yourself to walk to class. I mean, they’ll ask you a couple times, and you’ll tell them you’re ‘not feeling well’ or ‘I don’t have class today’ or even ‘I’m not hungry’, and they’ll have to believe you.
In times like these, I really miss family. My sister would always know what was wrong, and she’d know what to do. Whether it was getting me to watch a Disney movie with her, or letting me take her to the candy store and buy chocolate muffins and instant noodles, or ordering pizza and watching some good old Pretty Little Liars re-runs. My mother always knew just how much she had to push for me to blabber out whatever was bothering me, and then giving me the advice that she knows I always need, ”You’re strong enough, and you’ll make it through just like you always have.”
And when days like these occurred more and more often, I knew I’d have to figure it out myself. I ordered pizza just for myself, bought all my favorite snacks. I organized my dresser, picking out my favorite outfit and laying it out to wear for the next day. I took the longest, most relaxing bath, indulging in treating my hair to all the expensive ‘hair masks’ I’d been meaning to try. Then I wore my comfiest pajamas and sat on my desk (which I cleaned, and it somehow helped de-clutter my head) and made a to-do list of all the work I’d been putting off in some pretty pink stationary. I switched out my bed-sheet, re-arranged my pillows and watched Friends till I fell asleep (the first night in weeks that I didn’t go to bed next to tear-stained pillows.)
The next day, I woke up feeling like I could take over the world. I made it to breakfast before class (I hadn’t made it to breakfast in weeks), put on some eyeliner, wore my headphones which blared feel-good Coldplay, and walked to class.
(Yes, the to-do list I made that day is still in the process of getting done, but I believe I’ll get there.)