Looking Back at 2014: Friendships and those that weren’t

The thing I struggled with most in 2014 was friendship. I had a good group of friends in the beginning of the year, but I never really felt happy. I don’t want to be harsh, but I hated most of them. So I removed every single one of them from my life.

There was something my mother said to me one day, “If you feel like certain people in your life aren’t beneficial, aren’t making you happy, cut them off. You don’t need them. You can be happy without them, you can succeed without them.”

That night, I made a list of all the friends who made me feel unhappy. 99% of the people I knew made that list. I couldn’t sleep that night, I stayed up for hours thinking about what I should do. I wanted to do something; I had had enough of being told how “worthless, undeserving and stupid” I was.

So gradually, I did what I never thought I had the guts to do: started cutting off people from my life. It was hard, so hard. There were instances I even had to block people on Facebook and other websites for weeks at a row. It was not a very happy period of my life, but I was determined. I’d rather be alone than be with them.

I will admit that I cut off every single friend I had, except ONE. One. Just one remained.

What hurt most was how none of them tried to ask me why I was so distant, no one asked me what was wrong. No one even cared. The ‘best friends’ I had had for years, didn’t care. I cursed myself for never realizing this before; I patted myself on the back for finally getting sense. (I know I’m going to get loads of messages from these people after I post this, but hey, too late.) I doubt anything hurts more than knowing that you’ve been wrong for 4 years.

In September this year, I managed to get down to just one friend. I had started the year with so many, what had I done? On 19th September, I broke down. I hit a low I never had before. I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going. I blamed myself for it, I hated myself for it. I felt alone, more alone than I had ever been. How I got past it is something too personal for a website, but those who care, know. The point is, I got past it.

It only improved after that day. I met new people; I tried to give people a chance. It was not as easy as it seems, I did meet a few new people too who were complete jerks. But since the friendship was so new, I had no worries in abandoning them and starting again with a new person. I wouldn’t have, but this person I met who refused to give up on me, even though I wasn’t that close to this person at that time.

It was a slow and agitating process. I had bad days as well as beautiful days. Now as the year has come to an end, I have a completely new set of people in my life. It sounds exaggerated, but apart from a single person, everyone else is gone.

Now, I have this unbelievably amazing group of friends. Every single one, even though I haven’t known them that long is absolutely beautiful, inside and out. This December, for the first time in years, I admitted to myself that I had real friends. After 11 months of doubting my decision, I’ve been truly happy with my company. I cannot put into words how much you all mean to me, every single new relationship I created this year.

Again, there needs to be a special mention here for the one person who has stayed with me through this entire thing. We’ve been best friends since 5th grade, and you mean so much more to me than you can ever imagine. I know I annoy you, draw pictures on your notebooks, write stuff on your hand with permanent ink, call you an ‘idiot’ any chance I get, force you to buy me food, force you to buy me coffee, call you at one the night before the exam and ask you to teach me how to code, make you call me whenever I want to talk about the stupidest things that bother me, sing pop songs to you all day that stick in your head and cause you to hate me, and most importantly, I never ever let a day pass when you’re not completely annoyed with me. What will I do when you leave to some super fancy university?

Happy New Year to everyone reading this. Take a huge decision this year that you’ve always wanted to implement. I assure you, it will turn out okay in the end. I speak from personal experience.

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