(Disclaimer: Looking back on this piece now, it makes no sense whatsoever. I wrote this when insomnia struck at 3 at night. I don’t post most of my late night writings, but this one is special. It means something to me. Hence, I’ll post it. )
Stone walls aren’t always built by, you know, stones. Sometimes, certain incidents and certain people help build stone walls inside your heart. This wall is something I see building inside me this very moment. Every time I think about something, I hit this brick wall. It’s my heart’s defense mechanism.
You don’t deserve to be hurt. You deserve to get the best you can possibly get. You need to get out there and fight for what you want. It won’t come running to you. You want to be happy, right? Everyone does. Don’t be afraid to admit it. Don’t be afraid to be selfish, just for once, and strive for your happiness. Because in the end, it’ll just be for you. Everything you did in your life, is for you. No one else gets to have a share. No one else deserves a share of your life. No one else deserves a share of you.
Happiness is subjective. Everyone has a different perspective on happiness. Why shouldn’t we? We are all individuals. We all are different, yet we all aim for the same exact thing. We all look for a purpose. We all constantly yearn for a reason of human existence. Many may say they found it. There will be many such great individuals. Don’t let them, and their achievements, cloud your own judgment. If someone finds something the sole reason for their existence, that does not mean that it’s yours too. Or that you have to work the same way they did, and achieve yours.
If making art and spilling your thoughts out on a piece of empty, lifeless canvas gives you happiness, then be it. Do it. Do it forever. If someone stops you, someone tries to bring you down, let them know that it is what makes you happy. Ask them if they have a problem with that. Ask them if they consider themselves happy enough to teach you how to be happy.
You find happiness in travelling the world? Travel it. See all the places you wish to see. Meet all the people you wanted to meet. Make memories. You’re happy, right? Then this is what you have to do. This is what you should do. In the end, when you are way too old to do anything like that, you will be happy to know that you did do things that made you happy, and that you can say that your life was worth it. Else, you’ll just stare at your empty, sad and desolate home, and think about all the things you could have done, and how you let a complete moron stop you. That complete moron probably oblivious to your worries. That moron isn’t worth caring about. His opinions don’t matter. Your opinions matter. Make your opinions matter.
I am, currently, building a stone wall inside my heart. I don’t want to, truthfully. But I believe it’s the right thing to do. Letting people in was a mistake I made over and over again. I trusted people; I let them become important to me. I gave them importance. I gave them a share of my happiness. In fact, I let them make me happy. I was wrong. To me, happiness isn’t having a big car or a huge house. To me, happiness is the absence of sadness. This wall will help keep people away. This wall will help keep sadness away. This wall, though the most inappropriate thing to build, will keep me happier in the long run.
But do I know what happiness even is? To be quite honest, I don’t. I never did. I never experienced surreal happiness. Maybe I did, and I just don’t know about it. But what’s the point of that? What’s done is done. Happiness to me, now, will be complete loneliness. Staying cut off from the world, staying in my own little bubble. Happy as a little baby. Aren’t babies the happiest? It’s because they are oblivious. I aim to be oblivious.
It will be difficult to build this stone wall. It will be even more difficult to keep it intact. There will be people who will try and break in, who will try and pull me back for fresh air. I won’t budge. I promise not to budge. I shall stay put in my happy little bubble, and I will rot here. Alone.
An incident occurred, which led me to do this. That incident will be nothing but a bitter memory now. I will stay in my little stone fort. I will rule here. No one can hurt me here. No one can get in. No one can make me sad again, because I deserve to be happy.
I keep my distance,
But you still catch my eye.”
But this time, I won’t let you catch my eye.