// 2:11 a.m.

I can’t sleep.
Am I tired? Sometimes it feels like I’ve been tired for an eternity, and sometimes there’s such an intense fire building up inside me that it engulfs all of my exhaustion.

What am I doing? I wish I had a more poetic answer to that; I wish I could say I was reading, stargazing, or talking to someone about the world. The truth is that I’ve been working. It’s all I ever do lately, so much so that I run out of time to even breathe.

Lastly, am I doing okay? Is anyone? Is anyone out there sleeping everyday with a smile and satisfaction etched across their face? I’d like to meet you. I envy you.
All I know is; I’m holding on and getting by, one day at a time.

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Priority

A girl like her

Would spend hours getting ready

To meet you

With perfectly curled hair,

Daintily applied make-up

And shoes that cost more

Than my one-bedroom apartment rent.

 

But me?

I’d either show up in sweatpants

A bun, and disheveled, hastily applied eyeliner

(The only thing I can do, honestly.)

And the first pair of clean shoes I can find.

I’ve been too busy to do laundry, you see.

Or forget to show up at all

I’ll be working till the wee hours of the morning

To reach a deadline, finish a report.

 

So you’d leave

Saying how I have ‘messed up priorities’

And I’d smile and breathe a sigh of relief

Call me shallow, and I don’t know about her

But I can never make a person my priority.

Protected: 24 December 2016

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// Goodbyes and Resolutions, Welcome 2017!

From today onward, we start afresh.

Goodbyes.

I say goodbye to all the people I left this year, to all the people who left me. Here’s to moving on from all the friends I lost contact with because of college, or the people in college I realized I’d rather not be around.

I say goodbye to memories of the bad days I’ve had this year. All the nights spent crying into my pillow, days spent locked in my room, too scared to face the world. I bid adieu to the flashbacks of the blood-curdling yelling, fighting and screaming. Here’s to finally making it through.

I say goodbye to the person I was in high-school; the narcissistic, cold-hearted and shielded girl I’d become as 12th grade was nearing it’s end. Yes, it helped me get on with my life and made transitioning into college a lot easier, but I was left with little to no friends who’d bothered to stay.

And finally I say goodbye to being sad, to believing I wasn’t good enough. Farewell to all the people I hurt this year, because I was afraid to be hurt. I apologize.

Oh, and hello.

Hello to all the wonderful, glorious opportunities that lie ahead, just waiting for me to grab them. I promise myself to reach out and give everything a shot, and remind myself that I’ve nothing to lose.

Hello to all the beautiful people I’d be meeting this year. Here’s to making new friends and sharing ideas, aspirations and dreams.

And a warm hug to the person I aspire to be this year. To the person who’s loving, caring and yet, strong. The person who makes it through whatever life throws at her, and perseveres.

I’m not the person who makes resolutions; but I have just one teeny-tiny thing I want to start doing in 2017.

I aim to get more organized, give adequate time and energy to all the things I want to get done this year. Yes, I’ve taken on more than I can handle, but I’m not giving up.

Here’s to being even more resilient than I already am.

Welcome, 2017!

🎶 Brand New Day – Kodaline 🎶

My Thoughts on Love // Volume II

If you’ve been following my blog for a while now, you’ll remember a post I wrote back in December 2014 titled ‘My Thoughts on Love’ (To read that post first, click here.)

In December 2016, I’m going to write a volume two.

Love.

In volume one I wrote about how I’m a hopeless romantic, and I don’t ‘need’ anyone to complete my life and follow my dreams. A part of me seems scared and terrified of falling in love, because it’s immensely painful to fall out of it. I’m a couple of years older, and maybe a little less fearful now.

People think love is this feeling we’re all supposed to be feeling. They take love and project it as something so vast, that it leaves us wondering if something that grand will ever happen to us. The truth is, the world has romanticized love. They’ve made it seem unattainable, life-controlling and all-consuming, when it’s not.

Love is simple.

I believe you can’t chase love or go looking for it. Love, will come. And when it does, you’ll know. The duration of your encounter with that stranger won’t matter. Where the stranger is from, what they’re doing won’t matter. What your friends and family think won’t matter. Nothing will matter. Only they will matter.

I will admit that I went around searching for love on many occasions and for many years and always returned empty handed and broken hearted. Sometimes, it would leave me unscathed and the other, torn apart. But none of that ever made me believe in love less, none of that made me give up on the hope that maybe one day I will find that missing puzzle piece.

Love will come, give it time. It won’t fall from the sky (or maybe it will?) or show up with flowers at your doorstep. Love will come if you let your heart be open, if you let yourself be accepting. Let yourself believe in what the universe is trying to say, and trust your guts when it whispers in your ear to ‘forget everything and go after what makes you happy.’

And when love does come, everything will fall into place. You’ll never be able to imagine a life without love, and won’t understand how you survived all these years alone. When this happens, and I’m serious, you will be afraid. You’ll be afraid of taking this leap and falling into a hole in which you can’t see the bottom. You’ll be afraid that when love ends, you’ll never be able to climb out. But there’s also this beautiful possibility that maybe this time, you’ll have gotten lucky, and love will stay. After all those torturous years, it’s finally here to stay. If it wants to stay, let it. Jump.

And if love stays, it will get hard, because making love last is never easy. Sometimes you will argue, yell out words you shouldn’t, and curse. You’ll scream and cry and shout, but don’t you ever let yourself leave. Give it time, and remind yourself just why you fell in love in the first place. It’s always easier to leave, but it’s not always the right answer.

And finally, I still support my claim: “You don’t need someone to guide you along the way and to hold your hand through the journey. You don’t need someone else to make you feel good about yourself. Fight for what you want, and do it alone if you goddamn have to.”

For when love comes, it won’t stop you from fighting for what you want, and will never come in the way of your dreams. Love will never stop you from chasing after your goals, and love won’t ever let you believe that you’re not worth it. In fact, love will stand by you for whatever choice you make, and never try and influence you. Love will wipe your tears off when you fall, and will convince you that you can fly again. Love will be cheering the loudest when you reach the top. Love will do all this, because you will do the same.

My statement still stands.

I am a hopeless romantic.

I love love.

🎶 Love Is Easy – McFly 🎶 

Bullets

That summer day, when we met

I saw

You had bullets

Lodged in your heart

And for years that were to come

All I did was pry them out

One by one

And having no one, or no place to keep them

Slid them onto my own

And as soon as your last wound closed up,

You were whole again

And you,

You ran away.

Can’t you see me now?

For all I do

Is look for someone to pull out

The bullets I took from you

So that maybe I can run away too.

Run away, to you.

Ghost

Your ghost haunts me

From the corner of my bedroom

Where we lived our forever

From the end of my desk

Where you’d smile at me while I worked

From the end of my dining table

Eating the meals I prepared for you, my love

Now, even though ‘us’ is gone,

‘You’ have stayed.

🎶 The Quiet – Troye 🎶